It is hard to deal with disappointments. It is harder if the disappointment is with oneself.
It pushes you to utter despair when that habit which pulls you down, which shames you, which you vowed to break once for all, take revenge on you, at that opportune moment when you slip a bit in your awareness.
As that moment pass, when you realise that you are duped, that you have fallen from your ideal, you seethe in rage at yourself. “Why did I do what I did? Why did it happen to me?” That is when it grins at you. It tells you “See, that’s all what you are. Your vow? My foot!” It laughs at you and calls out loud “hypocrite.”
“Nooo! I’m Not!” You retort. You reason it out. Then you fight with it. Reiterate a thousand times that it wasn’t your fault, that it wasn’t intentional at all but was a split second’s lapse of guard.
Damage has already been done. That feeling has set in. It is overpowering you. Your body slack, your shoulder droop, head down, eyes well up. You curse that moment and wonder if you can ever be liberated of it. Yeah! Your self confidence is ruptured.
What can you do now? Calm down. Let the Mahabharata inside subside. Renew your vow. And most importantly commit yourself that you will never be off guard.
Sit quietly and realise that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
P.S.
kshurasya dhArA nishitA duratyayA
durgam pathah tat kavayah vadanti
The razor’s edge is difficult to walk on
Likewise the wise say the Path is hard.
-Katha Upanishad, 1.3.14
—
Srinath Mohandas
July 28, 2016
Śrīnāth Mohandās 