It is disappointing to see young women compromise their lives for marriage. It is even worse when they are brainwashed into believing that it is all for love.
How many times have we seen talented and ambitious girls speaking about independence, nation building, empowerment and liberation getting timid at the first signal of marriage and walking into the mould of a 19th century house wife, the very stereotypes they aspire to break? I feel concerned when I see my near and dear ones taking this path.
Who is responsible for this? Who should take the blame? “The society,” is the cliched answer. Society, afterall, is a collection of all of us.
I see that the problem (and therefore the solution) lies in men- our attitudes to women. Our expectations from various roles played by her- as a mother, sister, friend, girl friend, wife are grossly misplaced. Most of us don’t understand what a woman is. We see woman not for what she is, but for what she should be according to the stories fed to us, as supplemented by our own imagination.
This is the mould that I was reffering to- carefully preserved, enriched by generations, faithfully passed on to future; the very same mould into which a young woman gleefully walks unaware, in her over enthusiasm to be desired and accepted. Welcome to patriarchy.
Marriage is a social arrangement. There is nothing inherently divine about it. The sooner we realise and accept this, the better. The sacredness of a marriage is the sacredness the man and the woman brings to it. Two dependent individuals, burdened by their own misconceptions about love and life, cannot bring fragrance to a marriage. They live as prisoners to each other, deluded that it is love, unaware of what it should be. Women often pay a greater price in it. Because the odds are stacked against her. Thanks to patriarchy.
Love is liberating. Anything that pulls us down and keeps us dependent on anyone cannot be love. Possesiveness is not love. It is pure dependency, slavish attachment arising from one’s insecurities. It can neither liberate the other, nor oneself. Yet most young women mistake this possessiveness as love. They fall for it flat.
Young women must realise that not everything their boyfriends/ husbands say come from selfless love. Many a times it is a man’s insecurity that comes out as advice to his girl friend/ wife. If your man tells you not to go for a second show with your friends, you should be willing to ask him if his concern is your safety or his insecurity of being less relevant in your life (because you can have fun without him). If your man tells you to give up on your career, because he earns enough to take care of you and kids, you should make him understand that career isn’t just about earning but a genuine expression of oneself. If you have a habit of letting your man manage all your finances, and taking a monthly allowance from him for your personal needs, then you should realise that financial independence plays a very important role in your independence as an individual.
Are men and women equal? I presume all educated people will say “Yes”. But I wonder how many of us realise the depth of the statement and the responsibility it brings along. For most people it is a mere politically correct statement to make. They don’t realise that their actions do not support their speech. Only a few understand and live it.
Love nourishes, helps us grow as individuals. If love is at the heart of marriage, it is the most liberating social institution built by human kind. If not, it is the most oppressive of the systems. How does one know if his/her marriage/ love life is built with love? Look at yourself.
Is your partner helping you grow, evolve as a person? Compared to yesterday, how much independent are you today- physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually?
It is for you to decide.
Letting a woman grow in independence is in the best interest of everyone. It is as much the responsibility of a man (provided he is independent himself) as that of a woman. At the end of the day it isn’t about men and women, but about right and wrong.
It is about justice and injustice.
….
Dedicated to my friend whose experiences inspired me to jot this down.
—
Srinath Mohandas
December 03, 2016
Śrīnāth Mohandās 